Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
