Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
