I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
