U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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