Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
