I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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