apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Drake has all the answers
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
