He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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