Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize