Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
