So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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