She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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