He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
