if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
