I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Bring me that man meat
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
