fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
