1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Houston, we have a squirter
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
