what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
