Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
