Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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