I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
There's always time for handjobs
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
