My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
