I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
