just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
