i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
