i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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