I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
