My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
