She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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