Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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