dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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