oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
