i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize