I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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