some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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