His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
