you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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