My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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