I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
