If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
