I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
