i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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