I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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