Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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