she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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