onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
