Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
