Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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