last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
