I'm lost and stupid without you.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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