Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
