It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
