I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
