I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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