I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize