You can't special order awesome
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
